I was so afraid, they laid their hands on me and the pain started. It grew with every word they said. It grew with every breath I took. It was like everything in me was screaming out. It felt like nothing before, like knives carving me from the inside. Like I wanted to rip of my skin. I was so afraid because I felt the shame, I let people think i cried because I had an encounter with God, when the truth was that I cried because I didn’t feel him anywhere. I couldn’t imagine any place worse than this. I felt like I was separated from God.
That Was what it felt like to be depressed and have anxiety. I started making excuses so that I could avoid people who wanted to pray for me. Already the thought of it scared me and my body started to give me signals to run and hide. And even though I felt like I never had had this pain before I knew it was not true. The only difference was that last time I felt it I was ten, sitting with a knife in my hand for real and no one was asking me if I wanted them to pray for me. I’m sure someone was praying for me and I am really thankful for that, because somehow I managed to put down the knife and learn to live again. And somehow I this time to, almost ten years later, finally put down the knife that was carving me from inside, with the help of God.
I will not always understand why you do the thing you do. I will not always understand why I have to go trough the thing I go trough. I will be afraid again, but I am thankful that your love is not depending on me. And that my faith is not based on human wisdom but on the power of God.
Little child of God 
“When life knocks you down, roll over, and look at the stars.”
You don’t have to get up when you are down. Just roll over and look at the stars. If God, the creator of the universe can make the stars shine at night, He can use them to guide and direct you. I hope tomorrow is better.